In some ways, this is even worse than the first time. In January of 2008 we had just moved into our house and were starting to unpack and settle in. Nick came home from work one day and his face said it all. I knew something terrible had happened. Sure enough, it had. Nick had been called up for a last-minute deployment to Afghanistan. He was supposed to be leaving the very next day, but ended up getting a week. It came out of nowhere, so there wasn't time for crying or feeling sorry for myself. Of course we were angry and upset, but we just had to pull it together fast and make the best of it. When he left I was finally able to break down. I sobbed for an entire day. It was heartbreaking and I hate thinking about it. But that's just it -- I can't help but think about it. I'm about to go through the exact same thing in a few days and this time, I know in advance how much it's going to hurt.
I'm a very sentimental and emotional person. Objects, smells, and places remind me of my loved ones and the special memories we have created. Today I was unloading the dryer and I found Hudson's swim trunks and 2 pool towels in there. It tore at my heartstrings and I burst into tears. Nick took Hudson to the pool this past weekend and I realized that they won't be able to do that again for a long time. Those are the things that hurt the most. My husband being away from his children...I can hardly take it. So, if you ever wonder what the worst part of being separated for a half of a year from your spouse is that's it. No question. I am so sad for my babies and their daddy. I'm also sad for myself. I will miss my partner, my best friend, the person I laugh and joke with.
Nick, I don't know how I'm going to do it without you, especially now that we have two babies. But I do know that I will give everything I have to take care of our children. I promise to be strong for them and for you. And even though I don't have the strength within me, I know that God will provide. He will take care of us and get us through the next 6 months. After that, we'll never have to do this again. We're so close to our dreams, Nick. Hold on to that. Hold onto our love and know that we are praying for you and keeping you close in heart and mind every single day. I love you. Hudson and Rowan love you. We are anxiously awaiting your return!
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.' " Psalm 91:1-2
Oh my word, If I didnt cry through that entire post, I would be heartless. I have no idea what you're going through and I'm sorry for that. Just know I will always be here for you to talk, to do stuff with if you ever need me. Don't be afraid to call me and just cry, that's what family and friends are for! I love you very much and will pray for you all.
ReplyDeleteI love you too and like I said, I wouldn't want you to know exactly what this is like. But I am so thankful for your support. You make it easier to bear. :)
ReplyDeleteMy Love,
ReplyDeleteYou're asleep now so I don't dare to wake you to tell you how much your message means to me but I'll be sure to tell you in the morning. Obviously, I am moved to tears over the pain and grief that my leaving has caused you. Words cannot express just how terrible I feel about being helpless to ease the pain dwelling inside of you. It is a pain I know well for I feel it myself every minute we are apart.
Tay, you are the woman of my dreams and the love of my life. God has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams by providing me with the best wife and partner any man could ever ask for. I am also blessed with the two most beautiful, wonderful children I could possibly imagine having. I will miss Hudson and Rowan enormously over the coming days. In truth, I miss them (and you) already. I miss you all so badly that it hurts. I'm trying hard right now to keep my emotions in check, to be strong and steady, but I cannot help but to allow the rising tide of grief to wash over me. I feel like a battered ship, waiting helplessly for a raging storm to engulf me as I wallow helplessly in a sea of despair.
Then I remember that God does all things for the good of those who love Him. I am reminded that ultimately, He is in control and that through Him we can conquer anything, even another prolonged separation. God never gives us more than we can handle, and I know that He will see us through once more. There is dry land at the end of our journey, we just have to weather the storm and trust that God will carry us through in one piece to the other side.
I love you Tay and I love our children. I'm going to miss you guys more than mere words can possibly express. But as sad as I am about leaving, I am equally excited for what God has in store for us when I return and we prepare to enter the next chapter of our lives together.
Even when I am away, my thoughts and prayers are with you always. My heart belongs to you and goes with you wherever you go. In the same regard, I take you with me wherever I go, both in memory and in spirit. I love you honey, and I always will.
Your loving and faithful husband,
Nick
Ok so I don't know which made me sob harder - your post or Nick's reply!
ReplyDeleteYour marriage is such an inspiration and I know your strength together will help your family to overcome this deployment!
Anne, bless your heart! You are so sweet. Thanks for being such a kind and compassionate person!
ReplyDelete