Sleepless, Not Hopeless

I haven't talked much about the struggle I had back in early February. It started in January - trouble sleeping a few nights here and there. I either couldn't fall asleep or, if I did fall asleep, would wake up a few hours later and toss and turn till morning. It gradually became worse and worse till it reached the point where I wasn't sleeping at all. Even though I was the most tired I have ever been in my life, I couldn't sleep. I would get to the point of drifting off when suddenly I would jolt back awake. I couldn't control it and it was absolutely terrifying.


Night after night I would be down on my knees begging God to help me. I would tirelessly search my Bible for some kind of answer or direction. I was sure He was going to save me. He was going to reach down, pull the anxiety out of me, and force me to sleep. I waited and waited and waited, but it just got worse and I began to slip into the most dark and dangerous realm I have ever been in.


Nick was finally able to get me the medical help I needed. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression (though the only thing I was depressed about was not sleeping) and I started taking medicine right away. It took a while, but the serotonin levels evened out and I started sleeping again. The anxiety lifted and I could feel God's hand carrying me through. He never left my side.


This past Saturday night I started having trouble sleeping again. My biggest fear, understandably, is that I am relapsing after going off my meds in July. I am so paranoid, so ridiculously scared, that I am actually causing my anxiety to come back full force. And even though I know I am doing it to myself, I can't seem to stop! I start to fall asleep and just like that I wake back up with a wave off anxiety sweeping across my chest.


So, once again, I have been getting on my knees pleading with God for Him to intercede. Last night I came out to talk to my mom and all I could do was burst into tears. We sat on the couch together, talked things through, and went through the Bible. Then this morning, I read my Bible study lesson notes and felt encouraged by several points:

• True faith expects God to do something.


• After we have presented our difficulty to God in prayer, we must cooperate with Him in faith, although the actual miracle comes entirely from Him.


• As I wait for God's response I must be careful not to look along the lines of my own thinking. He works in His own way and my part is to obey.

Some of the verses I am encouraged by are:

• "But those who suffer He delivers in their suffering; He speaks to them in their affliction. He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction." Job 36:15-16


• "The Lord will hear when I call to him. In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent...I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. " Psalm 4:3-4, 8

This time around I'm not going to limit God's ability to save me with my own ideas of how it should be done. I am going to trust and obey, all the while remaining hopeful, for there is much hope to be had.

Don't know where to begin. It's like my world's caving in. And I try but I can't control my fear. Where do I go from here? Sometimes it's so hard to pray when You feel so far away. But I am willing to go where you want me to. God, I trust You. There's a raging sea right in front of me. Wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees. So let the waters rise if You want them to. I will follow You.