A New Diagnosis

2015 was a mixed bag for us. In February, our precious Everlyn was born. She was perfectly healthy, but her birth was a scary experience that did not go as planned. I was bitter that her birth did not happen the way I envisioned while simultaneously enduring an extremely painful recovery. Shortly after her birth, we started down the path of seeking a diagnosis for Brecken. To be honest, I always hoped she was just a late bloomer. Learning that we needed to have her evaluated for her developmental delays was gut wrenching and heartbreaking. So, needless to say, the first few months of 2015 were tough.

Over the summer I used every spare second of time to pour through books and web sites researching autism and how it could be treated. We switched Brecken to a gluten and casein free diet and started her on ProEFA fish oil and Culturelle probiotic. We noticed a dramatic change in her awareness and eye contact following the diet change in particular! It was awesome. By August, we received a "diagnosis" of Global Developmental Delay which was essentially like having no diagnosis at all. We decided to keep treating Brecken with methods that have worked for autism until we could get her evaluated by Children's Hospital.

A few weeks ago, Nick and I went for the results of Breck's Children's Hospital evaluation. A developmental pediatrician and a psychologist had spent close to 5 hours testing and examining and evaluating our daughter. Their diagnosis: autism. We sat through nearly 2 hours of explanation and advice when all we really wanted to do was break down sobbing. And I did break out in sobs as soon as I was safely tucked into my car driving home. I cried for 2 whole days, on and off. I don't know how to explain the range of emotions -- relief to agony to fear to anger to hopelessness to determination. All I could do was cry and pray and scream and sob and weep. My heart broke more than I think it ever has before.

Christmas came shortly after that and was hard this year. Something about the joy of the holiday season doesn't mix well with sorrow and suffering. Ironically, that's sort of what Christmas is all about. Our world is a broken place and every part of it is infected with the consequences of sin. On its own, it is hopeless and dark and sorrowful. But the Light of the world came into this darkness. He stepped down from His heavenly throne to dwell with us and save us from the consequences of our own sins. His light gives us hope and life. To this hope, His life, I cling.

Brecken's journey would be completely hopeless and depressing if I didn't have Jesus. There is nothing anyone could ever say or do to make it right that my child is suffering. Her inability to talk, her low muscle tone and motor issues, her tantrums and screaming fits (especially while walking into school), the stares we receive in public, the insensitive comments from strangers and friends alike, knowing she is so behind her peers, not knowing what the future holds or if any of this will ever get better, remembering her first year when she was healthy and hadn't yet regressed, wondering what I could have done differently to keep her from regression...these are the things that swirl in my mind constantly. The most painful is knowing that God did NOT create Brecken this way. Yes, she was created in the image of God, but she was not born with autism. Environmental factors and neurological damage brought it on. A world of darkness and sin took hold of my daughter and though I can't go back and save her from what happened then, I CAN do everything in my power to save her now. We believe wholeheartedly that God can heal Brecken. Through biomedical interventions, therapy, an awesome doctor who specializes in autistic kids, and most of all prayer, we know that our baby can overcome this disease in Christ's power.

As I said, I would be hopeless without Jesus. Truly, knowing that some day, whether here or in eternity, He will set this right is the only consolation I have. For this to be used for His glory is the only peace I can find that cradles and consoles my brokenness. Even though it goes against my own nature, I will trust Him. I will remind myself of the word He spoke over me when I first learned of Brecken's life growing within me: redemption.